Not Otherwise Specified

That’s where my eating has been. Just alllll over. I don’t know how to kick myself into gear. One day I’ll be healthy, the next abysmal. I’ll work out one day and love it, the next day I would rather do ANYTHING else at all. One minute I’m being sensible with food choices, the next I’m counteracting all of that by drinking unnecessary calories in alcohol.

For some reason this morning I just woke up in a horrible,no good mood. All I wanted was to start eating the worst foods. I wanted to binge all day. But I pulled myself together and make my breakfast & lunch for the day. When I left my apartment though all I could think was “Fuck this, I’ll just leave this in my bag and get whatever I want. I WANT to binge.”
You want to know what stopped me?? I LEFT MY WALLET AND KEYS AT HOME. I can’t buy anything bad. And I can’t even go back to my apartment to get money. Blessing in disguise I guess. And my day has gotten better, and I don’t need to binge anymore. It worked out :)

Next battle to face: actually forcing myself to stop being a lazy, pathetic slob and GO TO THE GYM. My bag is right here. I need to do it. I can do it.

…I did overeat And I was disappointed with myself for it. But it was 2 bowls of Kashi cereal instead of the two boxes of somethingorother it could have very easily been. And it almost felt like a binge, so maybe this means there is hope for me to get better? That if I get the urge to binge (like REAL binge) I don’t actually need all that mass of food down my throat and extending my belly after all? It took two bowls of cereal last night. Maybe in the future it can just take a cup of tea of a handful of strawberries to settle me.

Then again, when a woman has a raging, angry, body destroying period, all rules and rationality fly out the window LOL CUZ I FEEL LIKE IM DYING

Is sitting in his room boasting to his friend about how thin he is. AGAIN.

He loves to steer any and all conversations towards his weight, and how nothing fits him, and how many inches his waist is, and how his thighs don’t touch but also OMG HE WANTS TO BE THINNER TOO and he’s lost so much weight this month he weighs less than he did in high school but used to weigh less when he was like a fetus or something omg omg omg

Shut the motherfuck up.

So I had a minor surgery yesterday as well as literally the WORST MENSTRUAL PERIOD OF MY LIFE that was ripping and draining me from the inside like real hardcore LOL, therefore I was like FUCK EVERYTHING and didn’t plan what to eat. I didn’t even count. Ugh. But whatever.

I had oatmeal w. peanut butter for breakfast, cereal w. almond milk for lunch, then a banana cause I’ve believed they heal cramps since I was like 12, and thennn….umm a few weird sugarfree choc/caramel candy things, and a freakin’ brownie. Kill me plz. Finally for dinner I had salad…….with SEVERAL SLICES OF PIZZA LOL.

I got back on track today, but I’m soooooo tempted to binge U GUYZ gaaaaaakkk

Quick food update for Tuesday:

Breakfast (at home)
- Cottage cheese w. 2 tbsp. sour cream & 1 tbsp. agave syrup 

Breakfast (at work)
- 1 Fiber One 100% whole wheat English muffin w. Smart Balance
- 3 oz. strawberries
- Grande pike w. sugarfree vanilla & soy milk 

Midday Snack
- Baby carrots
- 1/2 grapefruit

“LUNCH” because my damn clients kept “running late” and I couldn’t go out to buy food
- 1 pkt Smart Pop

Actual LUNCH that I had at like 5:30PM
- Wendy’s spicy chicken wrap, which I had a miniature inner freak out  about because I didn’t realize it was CRISPY, aka BREADED OR FRIED OR SOME SHIT WHICH I DEFINITELY DIDN’T WANT GODAMMIT
- Wendy’s side garden salad w. 1/2 pkt Italian dressing
- Small diet coke

Dinner
- Spinach salad w. sliced almonds, fuji apple, veggie cheese & 1 tbsp. dressing
- Low carb, low fat, low cal tortilla w. Italisn style grilled chicken

Snack
- 3 Wasa crisp n light crackers w. all-natural peanut butter 

So even though I freaked out about the chicken that I didn’t mean to get, it ended up only being about 100 calories more than what I had yesterday. Phew!

At least it felt like I did. When I planned out all the food for the day, it seemed like a pretty “normal” amount, and in hindsight it probably was, but felt weirdly excessive. And the funny thing is that it’s not like I was stuffed the whole day…on the contrary, in the evening, after I worked out, I obviously was more hungry than usual. I definitely ate enough - a healthy amount - but decided not to eat the last thing on my plan because it felt unnecessary, and it was already pretty late. I had planned to have some cottage cheese with dinner, but instead decided to skip it and have it for breakfast the next day (today).

So here was my meal plan for yesterday

Breakfast (at home)
- Egg whites (3 tbsp.) made into an omelet with 1/2 oz. spinach and 1 oz. soy mozzarella cheese.

Breakfast (at work)
- 1 Fiber One whole wheat English muffin w. Smart Balance Light & reduced sugar strawberry preserves. 
- 3 oz. strawberries
- Grande pike w. soy milk and sugarfree vanilla

Snack
- 14 baby carrots 

Lunch
- Wendy’s side garden salad w. Italian dressing
- Wendy’s grilled chicken wrap
- Wendy’s medium diet coke

Snack
 - 1/2 grapefruit

Post-workout snack
- 1 pkt “Skinny Pop” popcorn 

Dinner (pt. 1)
- Salad made of 1 oz. spinach, 1/2 fuji apple, 1/2 oz. sliced raw almonds, 1 oz. soy mozzarella cheese, and Newman’s Own light caesar dressing.
- 1/2 fuji apple 

Dinner (pt. 2)
- 1 low carb, low fat, low cal garden veggie tortilla with 1/2 oz. spinach, organic ketchup, hot sauce, and 1 serving of Perdue grilled Italian style chicken.

Midnight Snack
- 3 Wasa Crisp ‘n’ Light crackets w. 1 tbsp. all-natural PB

My workout was light, but nice. I ran for 13 minutes, walked for 4. Then I did an hour of light, intro/beginners yoga. I’ve taken a pretty long break from any yoga at all, but this was surprisingly challenging! Sort of felt bad about myself because of it, but the class focused so much on correcting form and breathing so I’m glad I got to practice that more.

My other BIG DRAMATIC THING OF THE DAY was that I declined a piece of cake from a colleague at work :( it’s not like I haven’t declined stuff before, but this time it was weird because she seemed a little putt off by it…I felt like I was really offending her, and was making myself stick out like a huge weirdo. Did not like. Wish I had tasty cake, but also proud that I did not. BEAUTY EQUALS PAIN GUYS.

So in the end I ate something like 1500 cal and burned around 300. Not too bad.

Getting back in the swing of things after starting the New Year off rather abysmally.

When I was at my parents for a week around xmas I did more or less okay - not awesome, but fine. I wasn’t overeating at least. Then I went to visit friends in a different city for NYE for just under a week, and I kind of lost my sense of self-control while I was there. There were a few moments of overeating, and maybe a binge or two…………..

Coming back home and getting back to work hasn’t been terrible, but I haven’t been trying. Today has been the first day where I actually made myself a healthy breakfast, and DRAGGED my ass to the gym after hours of trying to psych myself up. Even thought I basically counteracted that good work by getting Chinese for dinner, but I DID NOT binge on it - I just ate as much as I felt like I wanted.

Hilariously, I went full-on grocery shopping at 2AM last night and got a bunch of stuff to make myself meals with for the next several days. I’m back to planning out my meals so as not to stray and lose control and go on a rampage. I need structure, measurements, and calorie counting to control my behaviors.

The other thing is that I have 5 weeks to drop some weight. My birthday is coming up and I need to look better, feel better, weigh less. As a present to myself. Today I got the ball rolling in terms of exercise, tomorrow I’ll start eating right again, and I also kind of want to order myself some diet pills again. Not the same ones as I’ve tried before but different ones. I just need to see if I can afford them right now.

Wow this is such a boring update, but I just needed to get back to blogging ASAP

I’VE BEEN EXTREEEEEEMELY OFF TRACK FOR AT LEAST 1 WEEK NOW.

I have definitely gained back all that weight I lost. I feel like shit. I am bloated. I hate my lack of control.

I fly home tomorrow. I will be around my judgey parents, with unusual foreign food that I can’t count the calories in, and to make it worse, I’ll be stuck inside the whole week, bored out of my mind and frustrated with family. I am scared I will resort to eating to get through it.

Everything about me is disgusting. I’m nervous.

Why do men confuse me so?

Same breakfast as yesterday

Same lunch as yesterday (but had half a grapefruit instead of a whole one)

Dinner was: Honey Nut Oat cereal + non fat milk

Dessert: Skinny Cow PB & Choc ice cream sandwich

Snack: 1 slice whole wheat bread

Capped it at 1100 for the day which is nice.

timewillnothavemercy:

wwiao:

95 percent of self esteem issues are caused by the iphones front camera

omg

Yesterday’s breakfast was the same as Friday, and yesterday’s lunch was the same as Friday’s dinner…plus a grapefruit.

I had a Christmas party and then a house party to go to at night so dinner got all screwed up, and I had more champagne & white wine than I had anticipated…I tried estimating my total intake for yesterday, and surprisingly (thankfully) I still managed to stay under 2000 even with all the alcohol. At least I think. I hope. Regardless, I did not overdo it with the food - in fact I did not have much at all, which is a feat in itself since I usually binge or overeat in these situations when there are so many snacks/sugary/carby things in front of me.

At the Xmas party I had: approx. 3 glasses of champagne, approx. 3 glasses of white wine, half a serving of those thin pretzel chips, a handful of popcorn, 1 cracker with cheese, and half a cupcake.

So food-wise that did not add up to too much, but I guess I was making up for it with the alcohol…now that I think back on it, I think I didn’t have much to eat because everyone at the party was like 5’11” and slim and cause I’m tall too I felt like the PLUS SIZE model hahaha

Then at the house party I had: 1 vodka w/ lemonade crystal light. Maybe it was the lack of substantial food in my stomach or something, but I was not in the mood to drink any more. Weeeiird..

When I got home, my “drunk food” was: a handful of slivered almonds and a tomato. LOL YEP.