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One of those alldaybingeday times. I did binge all day, but didn’t purge at all. So I feel awful physically, as well as mentally. I would have felt pretty bad mentally if I had purged„ but to be honest it sometimes acts as more of a release for me.

I’m just really down from it all.

And I have absolutely no fucking desire to go the healthy route and even attempt to eat good, balanced meals tomorrow, or come up with a new meal plan for the next few days. I hate to say it but all I want to do is starve. But it’s easy to say that on a full stomach. Now that the uncontrollable binge has been triggered it’s hard to know when I’ll be able to stop. I just weighed myself post-binge to scare myself. I almost broke down in tears. Why am I victim to this bullshit? Why can’t I be NORMAL?

(Source: confessionsabouteatingdisorders)

of restriction, “normal” eating, regret over “normal” eating, a CLOSE approach to binge-mode, then restriction again. And after all that bother I’ve hit a pretty standard level of calorie consumption for the day. I imagine less than 1500, but definitely more than 1000. I don’t know exactly because for my one proper meal of the day (when I was going through my “normal” stage) I ordered food at work, since my boss paid for it. It was organic vegan health-food but I have no clue how much it was in terms of calorie content.

Why do I have to go through so much mental turmoil just to end up hitting a standard calorie intake????

I’d be fucking dripping in gold.

The manager of the drug store that I go to to buy general crap, cigarettes, and most often, BINGE FOOD just felt the need to strike up a chat with me and say “I see you here ALL the time!” later proceeding to tell me I am “a very pretty girl.”

Yeah, pretty FAT maybe. 

I just laughed it off with an excuse about how I don’t buy enough groceries and don’t have time to cook so I end up buying quick things & snacks.

Uggghhhhh……..I am a disgrace.

I have it.

It doesn’t always bother me, but the past month it’s been RAGING INSIDE OF MY NETHER REGIONS.

Anyways, I was thinking of starting the Endo Diet which helps with the symptoms. It also may help me with getting a handle on my food issues. Less/no bingeing, definitely no purging, less guilt over eating in general, thus less/no restriction. At least this is the ideal situation in my head.

The diet cuts out A LOT of foods I often eat, so it will be difficult at first, and I’m going to have to eliminate things slowly, but I am serious about giving it a go, and seeing if it makes my symptoms go away again….because the last month was just utter hell.

I will post again about this, describing the diet and how I am going to go about trying it out. I’m thinking of maybe starting a YouTube channel about this! I actually had one a while ago, where I talked about my disordered eating, etc. but then I freaked the fuck out that someone IRL would find me and find out all my secrets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I got rid of it. But this! This is not something I would be mortified by someone finding. I’m going to think about it.

What do you guys think?

OH MY FUCKING GOD IF I SEE YOU BIDDIES MISUSE THE WORD “BINGE” ONE MORE FUCKING TIME I’M GOING TO FUCKING LOSE IT.

This “point” you’ve reached is not a point in time where all of a sudden the word “binge” spontaneously changes its meaning in the dictionary! The “point” you’ve reached is called ANOREXIA. The point you’ve reached is purely feeling guilt over food consumption of any kind. The point you’ve reached is feeling like a failure for not giving in to restrictive behaviours.

A bowl of cereal is not a fucking binge.

You want to talk binges? I can talk to you about binges. Try me.

(Source: confessionsabouteatingdisorders)

UUggghhhhHHhhhehgrwkhfoiqw;kqknjvndfvd

And I’ve only spent a grand total of like 10 mins with them.

Mother & sister are visiting - I understand they’re tired after their flight and staying in my new, tiny, hot apartment is not an ideeeaaaaal situation. But get the fuck over it or get the fuck out. I’m not even fully moved in and you expect me to have ALL amenities perfectly prepared for you? Bitches, please. I could barely provide the basics for myself without having a nervous breakdown right in the middle of IKEA.

I jut hate how they’ve been acting like this trip is such an inconvenience to them and as if they don’t want to be here and don’t even care about seeing me. My sister wouldn’t hug me because I was late to pick them up. She’s approaching 30 - GROW UP. My mother hasn’t seen me in almost a year and can only ask me negative questions about me and my living situation.

THANKS GUYS.

I’m on the fence about my reaction to this - I was soooo scared I was going to go on a stress-binge, and I almost did (I hadn’t eaten in like 10 hours and felt hungry, so with the added stress I was extremely triggered). BUT for dinner I had one of those 200 cal gluten and dairy free burritos by Gutenfreeda, a diet ginger ale and a snack packet of Trader Joe’s trek mix. Healthy enough, and got me past the urge to binge. A couple hours later, after another interaction with my family, I was triggered yet again. I just wanted to chain smoke but all the delis in the area were charging like 13 bucks for a pack so I said FUCK THAT and got a Coors Light and a Cheerios Snack Mix. I’m not happy with myself, but I’m not totally depressed over it because I know it could have ended up being a lot worse…

OH GOD AND UNIVERSE AND WHOEVER THE FUCK IS REALLY OUT THERE: help me get through this week. Or just drop a bunch of Xanax in front of me like Manna from Heaven.

I had one brief episode where I almost binged, and I ate a couple things which were unhealthy & ended up being slightly higher in calories, but it did not extend into a full-on binge. There were also a couple times when I ate more at a meal than I should have, but keeping in mind “normal people” standards, I did fine.
And, admittedly, the past couple of days I’ve been having mild restrictive behaviours, but mild is the key term here.

The good news is that I’m on a roll!

I also stopped myself from an impending binge tonight! Such success! I am incredibly proud of myself…all I had to do was make a DECISION in my head NOT to do this to myself, and not to throw away all my hard work. I changed into some PJs, grabbed something to satisfy my sweet tooth (a can of Diet Dr. Pepper, which I didn’t even finish WTF WTF WTF), and lay down on my bed to distract myself on YouTube.

Things are looking up.

Oh kill me.

Right after the gym today I started to binge. I say “started” because I did not finish everything I intended to eat because my roommate came home early. Actually, in total, my day was probably normal-person-average (calorie wise) which makes me feel less devastated than I would usually feel. This is my restrictive side playing its role here…instead of eating a normal lunch before the gym I just had a juice :| breakfast was quite substantial though! Still - get it together, girl!

Oh yeah, here’s the thing: I now live in a TINY ASS apartment with one of my best friends who is constantly in my room (because we have no living room, mine is larger than his, and currently I have the only internet access). I was sort of caught mid-binge, but I managed to hide it, and then told him “oh I felt so starved and I just couldn’t stop eating these cookies I bought!”

I have to be more careful.

Actually, I have to STOP. 

The leftover cookies are going to haunt me tomorrow. I am anticipating an early binge….unless I get rid of them.

Started eating last night’s binge food first thing today….I am determined not to let this ruin everything. All I can do now is to THROW AWAY what is left, eat healthily (NOT RESTRICT or adopt the “fuck it” mentality & keep bingeing), go to the gym and just ride it out. I can do that. It is SO HARD to keep eating normally/healthily now instead of restricting or continuing to binge but I need to try and do it.

I AM GNA GET OVER U, EDNOS! LOL IN YR FACE

I figure I’m dealing with the slip up pretty well…

Although I wasn’t able to throw out the food (because my roommate was hovering around the whole day and I didn’t want him to see the food) and I wasn’t able to go to the gym (because it closed early for the holiday) I managed to keep it together, and carry on dealing the next day. Although I still felt guilty about everything I ate yesterday (in an irrational sense) I at least got to the gym and felt better about righting my wrongs. At least I’m not freaking out and bingeing even more, which is what would’ve happened only a month ago!

I don’t know if I’m truly growing and learning to deal, or if I’m being forced into it by the fact that I have a new roommate who I am pretty exposed to due to our tiny shared space. Not to mention the fact I experience a much higher degree of food & body shame when I am around him.