You know that rage that builds up when something spoils a binge? Not just any binge, but a “special” one? And not in the “blessing in disguise” kind of way that actually stops you from doing it at all, but in the way that just shits all over it after the damage has already been done.
Yea, I am so pissed.
I have the day off work today because I’m recovering from something minor, and need my rest, so I had a bit of a sleep-in and then decided to hit up Trader Joe’s to get some much-needed groceries. While there, I made the BIG decision to finally allow myself to buy something I’ve been wanting to binge on for like TWO YEARS. My plan was perfect: I was alone at home the whole day (as my roommate was at work) so I could sit on my bed in peace eating this hefty little container in front of me. Pure joy. I mean, yes, obviously the self-hatred and disgust afterward is not pleasant, but I knew what I was signing myself up for and goddamnit if I was going to binge at least I finally had this one amazing thing I’d been too scared to buy for so long. IT WAS PERFECT. THE PERECT, PEACEFUL, SOLITARY DAYTIME BINGE.
So I did it. I bought it and couldn’t get it out of my mind the whole walk home. I practically ran up the stairs, kicked my shoes off, hastily put the rest of my groceries away, snatched a fork out of the utensil bin and … took a deep breath. I sat on my bed cross-legged, turned on my iPod and got ready. But before I dug in, something in me urged me to close my bedroom door (which opens directly out into the tiny kitchen, which in turn is directly next to the entrance to the apartment). I closed it, and got back into position. I took my first bite and knew that this would be a truly SATISFYING binge.
As I was two bites away from finishing, I thought I heard something, but decided it was paranoia, and not wanting to distract from my pleasure, took another bite. I was now so close to being done when I HEARD A VOICE OUTSIDE MY DOOR AND TWO KNOCKS.
“Oh fuck.” I thought.
“Yea hold on a minute!” I yelled.
I scrambled off my bed and chucked the container with the remainder of food and the fork into my shopping bag, folded it closed and threw it by the wall. I opened my door and made some small talk with my roommate.
“What are you doing home??” I asked, almost panicked.
Apparently he was home to make himself lunch so that he didn’t have to spend money. God fucking damnit. Today of all days.
I noticed I left the lid from the container on my bed, which he might have seen, but I went and hid it away anyway.
I forgot to mention that the door to my bedroom, although locked, is not solid. Meaning, it has glass windows all up and down that motherfucker so you can see inside quite clearly. I do have a large curtain thing covering the top two-thirds of the door, but as the AC was on in my room, it was sort of blowing it up, and I am extremely worried that he saw me chowing down, and then getting nervous and scrambling to hide the food…which is obviously weird, abnormal, suspicious behaviour. Thank god he didn’t ask me about it.
The funny thing is, I feel like there have been 3 “signs” in the past 2 days of “Higher Power” or whatever trying to stop me from bingeing. This also happens to occur the day AFTER an Overeaters Anonymous meeting in which I briefly talked about my roommate and how I feel weird lying to him every time I go to an OA meeting by saying that I’m just going for a walk. I feel weird that I have to lie about it, I feel ashamed for not being honest, and I questioned whether this was hindering my recovery process. I wondered whether I should talk to him about it and be honest.
Then this happens. So I don’t fucking know anymore, I’m just pissed that he ruined my fucking perfect binge. And although I had not yet decided whether or not I would purge afterwards, he sure as hell ruined any possibility of that.