Not Otherwise Specified

To be fair I only just started posting, and had like 2 posts. Still.

So basically I just really neeeeed a space to journal through all this eating disorder shit, because I am going insane keeping it all in my own head and I just feel like I need to, I don’t know, talk through it or something. But I’m not here to fucking write bad woeful poetry about it or anything (I’m in my twenties, let’s just NOT) hence, the ridiculous, tongue in cheek blog name…Wasting Time With Ed! ….like it’s a funny fucking sitcom or some shit.

In the past I tried to start a Youtube channel, which was actually helpful cause I could talk aloud, which allowed me to be way more expressive, BUT I got all paranoid that someone might recognise my face, which would suckballz, and then making it private wouldn’t work because I didn’t have any followers, sooo yea

Twitter is also difficult because I have my own personal one PLUS a work one, so managing a third would be stupidly annoying and complicated.

Which brings me here. And weirdly, Formspring! I have one! #WTF Yeah if you’re on it, send me some stuff I guess?? http://www.formspring.me/wastingtimed

Also, if you are on Youtube, let me know! I love vlogs I can relate to!

So yeah, I’m just here to rant & ramble and hopefully interact with a few like-minded individuals for support. THIS IS NOT A PRO ANA / MIA BLOG! But it is also not necessarily a recovery blog, so there is going to be triggering material, I presume….it is a blog that is not otherwise specified (just like me! #seewhatididthere)

PS: Not going to spill my heart and soul out in this one intro post…much more interesting in small doses methinks. No one is interested in my sick revelry of a binge and purge session this evening, so that’s enough for now.

There’s this new Ben & Jerry’s “Greek Frozen Yogurt” ………. do I even have to say anything else?

I really apologise for the triggering material..

But honestly, B & J’s pints have probably been my ultimate binge weakness for the past few years, and even just seeing a new flavour is enough to set me off. It’s so stupid and elementary…it is just a genuine curiosity about taste, which is then followed by an irrational need/rule to finish the whole damn thing. I wonder if subconsciously I have planned about 15 future binges purely for the goal of having tasted all the different B & J’s flavours. Wow, do I really have nothing better to do with my life? Apparently not, because I’m convinced I just had a b/p episode as a form of procrastination from the 5000 word paper I have to write for tomorrow. I manage my time and life so well, can’t you see?!

that are perpetually within easy earshot of our bathroom

#seriousproblems

Freaking out so hard right now. I had the biggest binge I’ve had for a while, and I NEED to get this food out of me but my fucking roommates are sitting and chilling (in silence…!) right outside of our bathroom and I am too scared that they will hear me purging. I am petrified of it. But I can’t stand having this food inside me, I need it OUT. I’m going insane. I don’t know what to do. It’s not helping that I’m running on 2 hours of sleep. FUCK FUCK FUCK

I’m sorry this is turning into a “waaa I’m gonna go throw up/waaa I can’t throw up” blog jesus fucking christ it’s so whiny and juvenile! I mean, I do just have this so I can rant and not care, but at the same time I don’t want to just have a freakin tally of how many times I purge, when, why, etc. 

UMMMM but that said, my earlier freakout was SLIGHTLY calmed. I basically tried to just block everything out by sitting in my room and watching Rick Santorum videos on YouTube just to channel my emotions into a different negative thing (hardy har har!) But it really did help take my mind off it to see that there are larger problems in this world: fucking douchebags like him.
But once I’d had my fill of that I noticed that my roommates had retired to their beds and obviously I made a beeline for the bathroom. By that point I had waited too long anyway though so it was a pretty hellish ordeal, and I just felt like it was a useless waste. I just felt like the damage had been done, the fat, and the calories, and the sick feeling over what I’d done could no longer be remedied. I had waited too long.
I still went ahead  and purged a little bit, barely anything if I’m quite honest, just to see if I could ease my bloatedness and maybe feel a fraction better PSYCHOLOGICALLY. But it didn’t help to be honest. Psychologically, only like 1/999 bit better.

The weekend is always a trap for me, too. It’s when I keep tripping up constantly for 2 days (sometimes longer) or on occasion, like last weekend I just full on fall into a pit of SHIT and eat horrendously, maybe purge too - but all in all, weekends are nightmares in terms of my food issues. Maybe tonight’s binge, and all the behaviours I’ve been exhibiting all week will be enough to “scare me straight” so to speak, and force me to treat my body better. First thing on the agenda would be to buy groceries so I don’t resort to buying bullshit binge food late at night at the corner shop all because I’ve had nothing in the kitchen.

I despise myself on nights like this.

I just b/p on baby carrots and dip. Seriously. Who does that? How ridiculous.

But I am serious when I say it was a BINGE…I mean, I don’t use that term lightly.

I had planned to have some carrots and hummus, but I bought this greek yogurt dip instead which was really nice, but super rich and heavy and … umm … I ate the whole container along with half the bag of carrots. I felt so full and gross, I had to purge. I felt ridiculous doing it, but also like I was doing the right thing. It wasn’t even about the calories, it was more about the feeling, and redeeming the act of bingeing which I’ve been trying so hard not to do. The container of dip amounted to 400 calories which I could normally ‘deal’ with, but the fact that I had binged somehow needed to be compensated for.

I need to get a grip.

OH MY FUCKING GOD IF I SEE YOU BIDDIES MISUSE THE WORD “BINGE” ONE MORE FUCKING TIME I’M GOING TO FUCKING LOSE IT.

This “point” you’ve reached is not a point in time where all of a sudden the word “binge” spontaneously changes its meaning in the dictionary! The “point” you’ve reached is called ANOREXIA. The point you’ve reached is purely feeling guilt over food consumption of any kind. The point you’ve reached is feeling like a failure for not giving in to restrictive behaviours.

A bowl of cereal is not a fucking binge.

You want to talk binges? I can talk to you about binges. Try me.

(Source: confessionsabouteatingdisorders)

I’m not doing well.

I had one brief episode where I almost binged, and I ate a couple things which were unhealthy & ended up being slightly higher in calories, but it did not extend into a full-on binge. There were also a couple times when I ate more at a meal than I should have, but keeping in mind “normal people” standards, I did fine.
And, admittedly, the past couple of days I’ve been having mild restrictive behaviours, but mild is the key term here.

The good news is that I’m on a roll!

I also stopped myself from an impending binge tonight! Such success! I am incredibly proud of myself…all I had to do was make a DECISION in my head NOT to do this to myself, and not to throw away all my hard work. I changed into some PJs, grabbed something to satisfy my sweet tooth (a can of Diet Dr. Pepper, which I didn’t even finish WTF WTF WTF), and lay down on my bed to distract myself on YouTube.

Things are looking up.

Started eating last night’s binge food first thing today….I am determined not to let this ruin everything. All I can do now is to THROW AWAY what is left, eat healthily (NOT RESTRICT or adopt the “fuck it” mentality & keep bingeing), go to the gym and just ride it out. I can do that. It is SO HARD to keep eating normally/healthily now instead of restricting or continuing to binge but I need to try and do it.

I AM GNA GET OVER U, EDNOS! LOL IN YR FACE

edlifeprobs:

Submitted by jonzie8.

(Source: )

You know that rage that builds up when something spoils a binge? Not just any binge, but a “special” one? And not in the “blessing in disguise” kind of way that actually stops you from doing it at all, but in the way that just shits all over it after the damage has already been done.

Yea, I am so pissed.

I have the day off work today because I’m recovering from something minor, and need my rest, so I had a bit of a sleep-in and then decided to hit up Trader Joe’s to get some much-needed groceries. While there, I made the BIG decision to finally allow myself to buy something I’ve been wanting to binge on for like TWO YEARS. My plan was perfect: I was alone at home the whole day (as my roommate was at work) so I could sit on my bed in peace eating this hefty little container in front of me. Pure joy. I mean, yes, obviously the self-hatred and disgust afterward is not pleasant, but I knew what I was signing myself up for and goddamnit if I was going to binge at least I finally had this one amazing thing I’d been too scared to buy for so long. IT WAS PERFECT. THE PERECT, PEACEFUL, SOLITARY DAYTIME BINGE.

So I did it. I bought it and couldn’t get it out of my mind the whole walk home. I practically ran up the stairs, kicked my shoes off, hastily put the rest of my groceries away, snatched a fork out of the utensil bin and … took a deep breath. I sat on my bed cross-legged, turned on my iPod and got ready. But before I dug in, something in me urged me to close my bedroom door (which opens directly out into the tiny kitchen, which in turn is directly next to the entrance to the apartment). I closed it, and got back into position. I took my first bite and knew that this would be a truly SATISFYING binge.

As I was two bites away from finishing, I thought I heard something, but decided it was paranoia, and not wanting to distract from my pleasure, took another bite. I was now so close to being done when I HEARD A VOICE OUTSIDE MY DOOR AND TWO KNOCKS.

“Oh fuck.” I thought.

“Yea hold on a minute!” I yelled.

I scrambled off my bed and chucked the container with the remainder of food and the fork into my shopping bag, folded it closed and threw it by the wall. I opened my door and made some small talk with my roommate.

“What are you doing home??” I asked, almost panicked.

Apparently he was home to make himself lunch so that he didn’t have to spend money. God fucking damnit. Today of all days.

I noticed I left the lid from the container on my bed, which he might have seen, but I went and hid it away anyway.

I forgot to mention that the door to my bedroom, although locked, is not solid. Meaning, it has glass windows all up and down that motherfucker so you can see inside quite clearly. I do have a large curtain thing covering the top two-thirds of the door, but as the AC was on in my room, it was sort of blowing it up, and I am extremely worried that he saw me chowing down, and then getting nervous and scrambling to hide the food…which is obviously weird, abnormal, suspicious behaviour. Thank god he didn’t ask me about it.

The funny thing is, I feel like there have been 3 “signs” in the past 2 days of “Higher Power” or whatever trying to stop me from bingeing. This also happens to occur the day AFTER an Overeaters Anonymous meeting in which I briefly talked about my roommate and how I feel weird lying to him every time I go to an OA meeting by saying that I’m just going for a walk. I feel weird that I have to lie about it, I feel ashamed for not being honest, and I questioned whether this was hindering my recovery process. I wondered whether I should talk to him about it and be honest.

Then this happens. So I don’t fucking know anymore, I’m just pissed that he ruined my fucking perfect binge. And although I had not yet decided whether or not I would purge afterwards, he sure as hell ruined any possibility of that.

And now I can’t purge. Not only has a bunch of time passed anyway, but I just can’t do it. My throat is literally closing up on me when I try. I don’t think this is my body rebelling against me (like sometimes when you purge too much and so your body goes like HELL TO THE NO, ENOUGH OF THIS!). I think it may be nerves. I continued to binge on something else after the original binge item was devoured, and this has made me feel infinitely worse. That’s why I want to purge so badly right now but I think I just feel so frustrated and nervous that it’s impossible. Last time I purged was last week, so I don’t know why else my body would be bailing on me right now..

So I’ve been debating wether or not to put this up publicly, since I’m not looking to start any beef or whatever, but I figure if you made your message public, I’ll do the same. Like I said- I’m not starting any issues with you. I just may as well say what I have to say to everyone.

No I am not a professional, and I find it quite dangerous for any non-professional to be giving out casual medical advice. The original poster asked you if you thought she’d done any damage to her body in her 5 months of being an active bulimic. First of all, why in the hell is anyone asking a stranger on Tumblr medical questions [[who would have NO WAY of knowing unless they examined the other person, or could formulate an educated opinion (e.g. a med student).]] is beyond me!!! Frankly I find it absurd. But then again, a lot of people on here are very young and naive. I am almost 23 years old. I’m a whole different animal and a lot more cautious/distrusting/independent. Obviously, these are just obvious, factual ways in which I am different from a large portion of this Tumblr community.

Let me get back to my point…my main issue was you saying (and I quote): “It’s only been 5 months, you probably don’t have too much damage.” Firstly, I find it totally inappropriate for you to speculate about the damage she may or may not have done to her body. 5 months or not, there is just no way for you to know. Yes, it is unlikely any threatening, long-term damage has been done, but I also just don’t know. And neither do you. I know she asked for your opinion, and that you were just answering with a guess, but I think it’s dangerous to do so as those who ask such questions of non-friends and non-professionals are clearly impressionable. And not only that, but the thing I find most frightening about it all is that many of us who suffer from eating disorders tend to have a complex about “not being sick enough” !!! This is EXTREMELY important to my whole argument. The way you phrased your answer was HIGHLY dismissive. By saying it’s “only” been two months, and brushing off her behavior as “probably” harmless AT THIS POINT you are inferring that she’s not sick enough yet. Many ill, struggling individuals could turn this around on themselves to further fuel their internal war until they did hurt themselves and people around them noticed their pain. Often without meaning to. It does not have to be a conscious choice.

I think that was probably my biggest problem with your answer and what sparked my reaction.

I also do not believe that going into treatment is ALWAYS the answer, and I don’t think it is healthy or helpful to tell all those who struggle that it is the ONLY way they’ll overcome what they are going through. I’ve noticed you’ve said this to more than one person. It’s simply not true.