1. 26 Mar



    I just accidentally deleted this fucking blog so I have to start again

    To be fair I only just started posting, and had like 2 posts. Still.

    So basically I just really neeeeed a space to journal through all this eating disorder shit, because I am going insane keeping it all in my own head and I just feel like I need to, I don’t know, talk through it or something. But I’m not here to fucking write bad woeful poetry about it or anything (I’m in my twenties, let’s just NOT) hence, the ridiculous, tongue in cheek blog name…Wasting Time With Ed! ….like it’s a funny fucking sitcom or some shit.

    In the past I tried to start a Youtube channel, which was actually helpful cause I could talk aloud, which allowed me to be way more expressive, BUT I got all paranoid that someone might recognise my face, which would suckballz, and then making it private wouldn’t work because I didn’t have any followers, sooo yea

    Twitter is also difficult because I have my own personal one PLUS a work one, so managing a third would be stupidly annoying and complicated.

    Which brings me here. And weirdly, Formspring! I have one! #WTF Yeah if you’re on it, send me some stuff I guess?? http://www.formspring.me/wastingtimed

    Also, if you are on Youtube, let me know! I love vlogs I can relate to!

    So yeah, I’m just here to rant & ramble and hopefully interact with a few like-minded individuals for support. THIS IS NOT A PRO ANA / MIA BLOG! But it is also not necessarily a recovery blog, so there is going to be triggering material, I presume….it is a blog that is not otherwise specified (just like me! #seewhatididthere)

    PS: Not going to spill my heart and soul out in this one intro post…much more interesting in small doses methinks. No one is interested in my sick revelry of a binge and purge session this evening, so that’s enough for now.

     

  2. 26 Mar



    I WILL NOT FOLLOW YOU IF YOU POST

    1. Pics and gifs of teenage girls’ thighs

    2. “Inspirational” quotes with backgrounds of beaches

    3. Rules for anorexia

    Sry grlz, just the way it is.

     

  3. 26 Mar



    A weakness

    There’s this new Ben & Jerry’s “Greek Frozen Yogurt” ………. do I even have to say anything else?

    I really apologise for the triggering material..

    But honestly, B & J’s pints have probably been my ultimate binge weakness for the past few years, and even just seeing a new flavour is enough to set me off. It’s so stupid and elementary…it is just a genuine curiosity about taste, which is then followed by an irrational need/rule to finish the whole damn thing. I wonder if subconsciously I have planned about 15 future binges purely for the goal of having tasted all the different B & J’s flavours. Wow, do I really have nothing better to do with my life? Apparently not, because I’m convinced I just had a b/p episode as a form of procrastination from the 5000 word paper I have to write for tomorrow. I manage my time and life so well, can’t you see?!

     

  4. 26 Mar



    Oh I should also mention:

    I’m not really meant to SLASH try not to eat dairy but this is exactly what I mean: weakness!!

    At all other times I consume either dairy alternatives (almond or soy milk, etc.) or if is cheese, I will usually only eat goat cheese. Occasionally I cave and have cow’s milk feta or something, but I generally do alright with avoiding it.

     

  5. 27 Mar



    Something is sending me signals and/or help

    It is the vending machines of my building that are speaking to me.

    I’m srs guys.

    The other night one of them wouldn’t dispense ice cream (or take my coins) which prevented me from a binge.

    Tonight I’m actually done with the b/p and just wanted some pretzels, and possibly a diet coke, but it wouldn’t accept my $5 bill! ANd i know for a fact they are both working because in between these two times I have managed to get stuff from them (including a FREE treat as well).

    I feel grateful for the intervention, but also kinda angry! I want freakin’ pretzels dammit!

    I’m kind of kidding (I think?) Probably just reading into silly things ………….right??

     

  6. 27 Mar



    I wish I didn’t have roommates

    that are perpetually within easy earshot of our bathroom

    #seriousproblems

     

  7. 27 Mar



    42373) I feel like such a fake. I portray myself as a healthy person who exercises, monitors calories, and tries to lose weight the responsible way. But behind closed doors, I binge and purge, restrict, and cut myself whenever I slip up. I am such a mess, but no one knows.

    I hate posting stuff like this but it was just too true. And this is my space to not be fake. This is my space for anonymous honesty.

    (Source: confessionsabouteatingdisorders)

     

  8. 31 Mar



    Freaking out so hard right now. I had the biggest binge I’ve had for a while, and I NEED to get this food out of me but my fucking roommates are sitting and chilling (in silence…!) right outside of our bathroom and I am too scared that they will hear me purging. I am petrified of it. But I can’t stand having this food inside me, I need it OUT. I’m going insane. I don’t know what to do. It’s not helping that I’m running on 2 hours of sleep. FUCK FUCK FUCK

     

  9. 31 Mar



    UGH JESUS

    I’m sorry this is turning into a “waaa I’m gonna go throw up/waaa I can’t throw up” blog jesus fucking christ it’s so whiny and juvenile! I mean, I do just have this so I can rant and not care, but at the same time I don’t want to just have a freakin tally of how many times I purge, when, why, etc. 

    UMMMM but that said, my earlier freakout was SLIGHTLY calmed. I basically tried to just block everything out by sitting in my room and watching Rick Santorum videos on YouTube just to channel my emotions into a different negative thing (hardy har har!) But it really did help take my mind off it to see that there are larger problems in this world: fucking douchebags like him.
    But once I’d had my fill of that I noticed that my roommates had retired to their beds and obviously I made a beeline for the bathroom. By that point I had waited too long anyway though so it was a pretty hellish ordeal, and I just felt like it was a useless waste. I just felt like the damage had been done, the fat, and the calories, and the sick feeling over what I’d done could no longer be remedied. I had waited too long.
    I still went ahead  and purged a little bit, barely anything if I’m quite honest, just to see if I could ease my bloatedness and maybe feel a fraction better PSYCHOLOGICALLY. But it didn’t help to be honest. Psychologically, only like 1/999 bit better.

    The weekend is always a trap for me, too. It’s when I keep tripping up constantly for 2 days (sometimes longer) or on occasion, like last weekend I just full on fall into a pit of SHIT and eat horrendously, maybe purge too - but all in all, weekends are nightmares in terms of my food issues. Maybe tonight’s binge, and all the behaviours I’ve been exhibiting all week will be enough to “scare me straight” so to speak, and force me to treat my body better. First thing on the agenda would be to buy groceries so I don’t resort to buying bullshit binge food late at night at the corner shop all because I’ve had nothing in the kitchen.

    I despise myself on nights like this.

     

  10. 9 Apr



    Obedience/Disobedience

    I haven’t written or ranted in a while partly because A) I was doing well for a few days, but didn’t want to celebrate my victory too soon, and B) Rightly so, because after a few days of doing well, OF COURSE I had to fail yet again.

    What helped me initially is going back to an old habit that used to keep me on track: a type of food journalling. I used to keep a tiny little notebook (so small you can put it in your pocket) where I would plan out meals weeks in advance. This would normally help with keeping me binge-free for days on end. I mean, sure, I would eat extra things on some days, and even binge every once in a while, causing me to re-start the day I ruined, but over all it worked much better than leaving me to my own devices, and trying to “wing it” like a normal person. So I started this again a while ago, and it was working, until my urges to binge got the best of me. Strangely enough, I haven’t really felt the compulsion to purge lately…which I feel good AND bad about all at once. It’s strange because I’ve actually had quite a bit of time alone in the apartment lately, which happens rarely, and when it does, makes me more likely to purge, yet….hmmm…

    I’m just going to keep going with my journal, because it DOES help…I’m just being weak and stubborn and I have to stop. This will keep me eating, but not bingeing, and not purging. It will work if I let it.

     

  11. 12 Apr



    transfixed-toast:

    Chances are if you have a CW, HW, GW1, GW2, GW3, GW and UGW I probably hate your blog.

    (via beautifulasastatistic-deactivat)

     

  12. 13 Apr



    50% off post-Easter candy

    Just b/p on that shit. I am such a champ #hahaNOT #h8myself

    Also, potential TMI moment, the mixture of alcohol & chocolate does not a pleasant taste make on its way out. That alone is discouraging and enough to make me disgusted with myself.

    I need to stop this.

     

  13. 13 Apr



    Interesting...! (Reblogged from runaway bunny): saying goodbye to your eating disorder (the last to go behaviours)

    yourrunawaybunny:

    usernametaken:

    i found this on lili’s tumblr. i thought it would be a good thing to share with my followers. i always say challenge yourself. when you find something that is bolded, make it a goal to cross it out!

    Strike through means I think I no longer have a problem with this issue.

    Bold means very serious problem with this issue.

    Normal font means I’m somewhere in between.

    1. Eating the same meals daily, or regularly, without variation. 

    2. Using a very small or very large amount of condiments (e.g. salad dressing, ketchup, hot sauce,butter). 

    3. Exercising more on days when you have had or expect to have a larger meal, dessert, etc.

    4. Avoiding certain social functions that involve food. 

    5. Packing your own food when attending events (with the exception of having a food allergy, etc.) 

    6. Maintaining a vegetarian, vegan, or other diet that restricts certain types of food.

    7. Becoming upset if you are unable to work out on occasion. 

    8. Wanting to be the last to finish your meal. 

    9. Eating very quickly or very slowly.

    10. Frequently choosing to eat alone. 

    11. Eating while engaged in television, work, or other distractions. 

    12. Only eating at certain times or after a certain number of hours. 

    13. Using food as a reward, such as waiting to eat until you finish a task despite being hungry. 

    14. Engaging in other restrictive behaviors, such as not allowing yourself to buy something that you need and want (and can afford). 

    15. Lying to other people in any capacity about your eating or exercise. 

    16. Pushing yourself during exercise in a mean and threatening way – or hiring someone to do it for you. 

    17. Putting off eating in order to “get things done.” 

    18. Scheduling events around food and using it as justification for eating more.

    19. Only eating at certain restaurants. 

    20. Weighing yourself regularly. 

    21. Not wearing certain clothing items that you like out of fear. 

    22. Buying low-fat, low-calorie, low-carb or only “health” products. 

    23. Using artificial sweetener.

    24. Holding on to your “skinny clothes.”

    25. Having rules or patterns around eating meals. 

    26. Not keeping certain foods in your home that others may enjoy.

    27. Destroying food in any way.

    28. Chewing gum or eating mints frequently to stave off hunger. 

    29. Engaging in fat-talk.

    30. Loading up your schedule to avoid free time.

    31. Getting in arguments over food with friends or family. 

    32. Turning down birthday cake (when you want it!).

    33. Commenting on other people’s eating habits.

    34. Frequently seeking approval from others. 

    35. Reading blogs that don’t promote a healthy balance.

     

  14. 14 Apr



    There are always those friends….

    how-to-be-a-skinny-bitch:

    …the ones with those personality traits you can ignore at first, but then it’s all you notice when you’re around them and holy cow STOP ACTING LIKE THAT

    HMMM yes like my gay male friend who seems to think it’s okay to compare his body to his FEMALE friends (aka: ME)……….he likes to point out the “fat” on his stomach, and then instead, the very next day gloat that actually all that he can grab on his stomach is skin - yay! He enjoys dropping into conversation that he has a “naturally 22in waist,” and then “complain” that all his pants have become too big in the past week - oh no! But then, the following week he might decide he actually feels fat and will frown that he can’t reach his fingers around his thigh anymore, and follow it with “You’re skinnier than me!”

    UM. SHUT THE FUCK UP. You are a skinny hipster BOY and I am a pear shaped size 8 (nowadays maybe larger) WOMAN. Do not dare fucking compare us. Stop crying “fat!” one day, seeking validation, and then sneak your skinny size/weight/etc. into any conversation the next. I love you, but I will always ignore or react with disinterest when you engage in body talk because not only do I not appreciate people fishing for others to call them thin, I also think it’s extremely insulting to ever compare our two bodies when we couldn’t be/look MORE different. It is triggering and upsetting for me, but of course I can’t say that it’s triggering as hell because that would mean owning up to my eating disorder…

    Sorry, I’ve been meaning to get this all out for QUITE some time and this was just felt like the opportunity. He drives me insane with this shit, but I can’t really say anything about it. Ugh, now I feel bad though, because we just spent a really nice day together and he didn’t do any of this today so I feel guilty for going on this rant….but I suppose that’s why I have this blog in the first place - to just let all these secrets out without actually exposing myself in real life.

    One day I might tell him he needs to not ever engage in body talk around me. Hopefully that will be enough of a hint for him to realise I’m serious, without me revealing too much, and without him needing to ask anything else..

    (Source: rejennerate)