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There’s this new Ben & Jerry’s “Greek Frozen Yogurt” ………. do I even have to say anything else?

I really apologise for the triggering material..

But honestly, B & J’s pints have probably been my ultimate binge weakness for the past few years, and even just seeing a new flavour is enough to set me off. It’s so stupid and elementary…it is just a genuine curiosity about taste, which is then followed by an irrational need/rule to finish the whole damn thing. I wonder if subconsciously I have planned about 15 future binges purely for the goal of having tasted all the different B & J’s flavours. Wow, do I really have nothing better to do with my life? Apparently not, because I’m convinced I just had a b/p episode as a form of procrastination from the 5000 word paper I have to write for tomorrow. I manage my time and life so well, can’t you see?!

I’m not really meant to SLASH try not to eat dairy but this is exactly what I mean: weakness!!

At all other times I consume either dairy alternatives (almond or soy milk, etc.) or if is cheese, I will usually only eat goat cheese. Occasionally I cave and have cow’s milk feta or something, but I generally do alright with avoiding it.

It is the vending machines of my building that are speaking to me.

I’m srs guys.

The other night one of them wouldn’t dispense ice cream (or take my coins) which prevented me from a binge.

Tonight I’m actually done with the b/p and just wanted some pretzels, and possibly a diet coke, but it wouldn’t accept my $5 bill! ANd i know for a fact they are both working because in between these two times I have managed to get stuff from them (including a FREE treat as well).

I feel grateful for the intervention, but also kinda angry! I want freakin’ pretzels dammit!

I’m kind of kidding (I think?) Probably just reading into silly things ………….right??

Day 2 of following my self-made meal plan without any hiccups (aka BINGES/PURGES).

I mean yeah, I did just eat a bunch of green olives, a sweet potato and some grapes at midnight, BUT I missed dinner time, and it was on the plan. So who cares? At least I didn’t sneak off to the drug store to get unhealthy snacks to stuff myself with instead of actually eating what would have been dinner a few hours ago. Not too shabby!

How about clearing your history and/or signing out of YouTube when your friend comes over and is going to inevitably be using your computer?!?!

Worried that he saw all the ED-themed/recovery videos all up in the homepage for my YT account. Hopefully not. And even if he did I doubt he’ll bring it up. I sure as fuck am not going to. If I just try my hardest to forget about this, I will.

Also, randomly, I’ve been like FULL ON STARVING all day for no good reason! I’ve actually been following the “normal eating” meal plan I made for myself perfectly today, and in fact, today was one of the more substantial/calorific days so I have no idea why my stomach has been screaming to be fed - I’ve eaten loads of good, filling stuff!

I’m not 100% comfortable with sharing my intake on here, but I’m going to anyway so that you can see that this was a HIGH FOOD QUANTITY DAY so my hunger was totally unwarranted, yet completely real.

Breakfast: 1 pkt Trader Joer’s Apple & Cinnamon oatmeal (made with water) and a little while later I also had an apple.

Noon: Tall coffee with just a bit of vanilla soy from Starbucks

Lunch: 1 small pkt baked veggie chips & turkey/swiss/lettuce/red pepper/honey mustard sandwich on whole wheat bread.

Dinner: Herb roasted turkey with a side of ratatouille and a scoop of mashed potatoes, after which I was very full but craving my planned dessert, so in order to try and make myself wait til I was no longer stuffed I had a diet ginger ale.

Dessert: I really didn’t wait long because I was craving sweet! 1 banana walnut muffin.

See?! LOADS. Feels almost like a binge, but not really because let’s get serious - I can BINGE. And this was just normal-peron meals. Healthy stuff, too! I mean now I am okay, but before dinner I was literally having awful hunger pangs and it is totally surprising…it’s beyond me…

voyasertan—perfecto:

and Mum keeps bragging about how much less she’s eaten than me, and how much healthier her Tostito crisps were than my sandwich.

I really wish I hadn’t eaten it.

Umm, well she’s actually kind of wrong. Your peanut butter sandwich had healthy fats & protein, not to mention is actually satiating, meaning you don’t need to eat more food to feel satisfied. Your mother’s Tostitos are nutritionally worthless, and probably contained more carbs than that sandwich. Also, chips are not filling at all, so it is likely she’ll be going back to the kitchen for more to eat, and possibly consuming more calories than you did in the end.

OH MY FUCKING GOD IF I SEE YOU BIDDIES MISUSE THE WORD “BINGE” ONE MORE FUCKING TIME I’M GOING TO FUCKING LOSE IT.

This “point” you’ve reached is not a point in time where all of a sudden the word “binge” spontaneously changes its meaning in the dictionary! The “point” you’ve reached is called ANOREXIA. The point you’ve reached is purely feeling guilt over food consumption of any kind. The point you’ve reached is feeling like a failure for not giving in to restrictive behaviours.

A bowl of cereal is not a fucking binge.

You want to talk binges? I can talk to you about binges. Try me.

(Source: confessionsabouteatingdisorders)

I haven’t really started this diet yet, I’ve sort of been thinking more about the choices I make, but I haven’t thrown myself into it yet.

Foods To Avoid

- Wheat (incl. bread, pasta, etc.)
- Red meats
- Refined & concentrated carbohydrates (white flour, bread, etc.)
- Refined sugars & honey
- Caffeine
- Chocolate
- Dairy
- Eggs
- Fried foods
- Saturated fats
- Soy & soy protein products
- Convenience foods (because of all the additives)
- Any additives & preservatives
- Most tinned foods (okay in moderation)
-  Alcohol

Good Foods

- Oils from fish, walnuts, flax seeds, olive oil
- Fibre from whole grains (NOT rye), beans, peas, brown rice, veggies (such as carrots, broccoli, cabbage, cauliflower, celery), fruits (such as apples), oatmeal
- Lentils
- Onions & garlic
- Ginger
- Green tea
-  Red & purple berries
- Nuts & seeds

.

Now like I said, I haven’t really thrown myself into it yet because it’s been incredibly overwhelming, and I’ve sort of been trying to think about eliminating 2 “bad foods” per week, until I finally cross all of them off the list, but in a way that is slow and steady. I doubt that I’m ever going to reach the point where I’m NEVER having ANY of those foods EVER, but as long as I can give it a serious go of having them barely in my diet, then that is a step!

But like I said before, it has been super overwhelming. I keep forgetting which 2 foods I’m trying not to eat, and I haven’t had food in the house, so I’ve been eating out, and every time I do that I freak out, because HEY I freak out over this stuff all the time.

SIGH

So now I’m thinking, HEY, why not just throw myself into it entirely and try and cut them out all at once? I could possibly be setting myself up for failure here, but I may just give it a go.

There is no way in hell that I am cutting out alcohol & caffeine. Just no.

It’s not like I overdose on caffeine, though, and to be honest the past week or so I haven’t even been drinking it every day (because I haven’t gotten around to getting my beans ground…) but under normal circumstances I at least need my 1 cup in the morning and I am not willing to give that up.

Also, alcohol is an essential. I do not drink every day, but mama needs some nectar weekly.

So those are the two things I am not willing to give up.

What will be hard, though, is soy products. Soy is in everything, and I already don’t drink milk so if I’m getting a coffee OUT somewhere, the only other option is soy. Almond milk is not as prevalent.

Sugar will be hard, as will wheat to a degree, but it will be good for me to challenge myself. 

Soy.

Every time I have coffee out somewhere (like Starbucks, which usually happens AT LEAST once a week) I add a bit of soy/have it made with soy milk instead of regular. Because 95% of the time I do not drink regular milk.

For my own home-made coffee (and whatever other drinks/foods I wish to add milk to) I use almond milk anyway, but when I am out, my only option is soy.

I will make more of an effort to not eat/buy soybeans and meat substitutes, tofu, etc. and will try converting to just drinking my coffee black, but at the moment I usually need a splash of something. There are times when I can drink it black, no problem, but I am not always in the mood for that. I guess I need to slowly convert to becoming a hardcore black coffee drinker!

EDIT: the funny thing is I am meant to be giving up caffeine but LOL THAT’S NOT HAPPENING! I guessss I’ll just try not drinking it everyday…but I’m not confident I can follow through with this.

Started eating last night’s binge food first thing today….I am determined not to let this ruin everything. All I can do now is to THROW AWAY what is left, eat healthily (NOT RESTRICT or adopt the “fuck it” mentality & keep bingeing), go to the gym and just ride it out. I can do that. It is SO HARD to keep eating normally/healthily now instead of restricting or continuing to binge but I need to try and do it.

I AM GNA GET OVER U, EDNOS! LOL IN YR FACE

I figure I’m dealing with the slip up pretty well…

Although I wasn’t able to throw out the food (because my roommate was hovering around the whole day and I didn’t want him to see the food) and I wasn’t able to go to the gym (because it closed early for the holiday) I managed to keep it together, and carry on dealing the next day. Although I still felt guilty about everything I ate yesterday (in an irrational sense) I at least got to the gym and felt better about righting my wrongs. At least I’m not freaking out and bingeing even more, which is what would’ve happened only a month ago!

I don’t know if I’m truly growing and learning to deal, or if I’m being forced into it by the fact that I have a new roommate who I am pretty exposed to due to our tiny shared space. Not to mention the fact I experience a much higher degree of food & body shame when I am around him.