Not Otherwise Specified

To be fair I only just started posting, and had like 2 posts. Still.

So basically I just really neeeeed a space to journal through all this eating disorder shit, because I am going insane keeping it all in my own head and I just feel like I need to, I don’t know, talk through it or something. But I’m not here to fucking write bad woeful poetry about it or anything (I’m in my twenties, let’s just NOT) hence, the ridiculous, tongue in cheek blog name…Wasting Time With Ed! ….like it’s a funny fucking sitcom or some shit.

In the past I tried to start a Youtube channel, which was actually helpful cause I could talk aloud, which allowed me to be way more expressive, BUT I got all paranoid that someone might recognise my face, which would suckballz, and then making it private wouldn’t work because I didn’t have any followers, sooo yea

Twitter is also difficult because I have my own personal one PLUS a work one, so managing a third would be stupidly annoying and complicated.

Which brings me here. And weirdly, Formspring! I have one! #WTF Yeah if you’re on it, send me some stuff I guess?? http://www.formspring.me/wastingtimed

Also, if you are on Youtube, let me know! I love vlogs I can relate to!

So yeah, I’m just here to rant & ramble and hopefully interact with a few like-minded individuals for support. THIS IS NOT A PRO ANA / MIA BLOG! But it is also not necessarily a recovery blog, so there is going to be triggering material, I presume….it is a blog that is not otherwise specified (just like me! #seewhatididthere)

PS: Not going to spill my heart and soul out in this one intro post…much more interesting in small doses methinks. No one is interested in my sick revelry of a binge and purge session this evening, so that’s enough for now.

There’s this new Ben & Jerry’s “Greek Frozen Yogurt” ………. do I even have to say anything else?

I really apologise for the triggering material..

But honestly, B & J’s pints have probably been my ultimate binge weakness for the past few years, and even just seeing a new flavour is enough to set me off. It’s so stupid and elementary…it is just a genuine curiosity about taste, which is then followed by an irrational need/rule to finish the whole damn thing. I wonder if subconsciously I have planned about 15 future binges purely for the goal of having tasted all the different B & J’s flavours. Wow, do I really have nothing better to do with my life? Apparently not, because I’m convinced I just had a b/p episode as a form of procrastination from the 5000 word paper I have to write for tomorrow. I manage my time and life so well, can’t you see?!

I’m not really meant to SLASH try not to eat dairy but this is exactly what I mean: weakness!!

At all other times I consume either dairy alternatives (almond or soy milk, etc.) or if is cheese, I will usually only eat goat cheese. Occasionally I cave and have cow’s milk feta or something, but I generally do alright with avoiding it.

It is the vending machines of my building that are speaking to me.

I’m srs guys.

The other night one of them wouldn’t dispense ice cream (or take my coins) which prevented me from a binge.

Tonight I’m actually done with the b/p and just wanted some pretzels, and possibly a diet coke, but it wouldn’t accept my $5 bill! ANd i know for a fact they are both working because in between these two times I have managed to get stuff from them (including a FREE treat as well).

I feel grateful for the intervention, but also kinda angry! I want freakin’ pretzels dammit!

I’m kind of kidding (I think?) Probably just reading into silly things ………….right??

that are perpetually within easy earshot of our bathroom

#seriousproblems

Freaking out so hard right now. I had the biggest binge I’ve had for a while, and I NEED to get this food out of me but my fucking roommates are sitting and chilling (in silence…!) right outside of our bathroom and I am too scared that they will hear me purging. I am petrified of it. But I can’t stand having this food inside me, I need it OUT. I’m going insane. I don’t know what to do. It’s not helping that I’m running on 2 hours of sleep. FUCK FUCK FUCK

I’m sorry this is turning into a “waaa I’m gonna go throw up/waaa I can’t throw up” blog jesus fucking christ it’s so whiny and juvenile! I mean, I do just have this so I can rant and not care, but at the same time I don’t want to just have a freakin tally of how many times I purge, when, why, etc. 

UMMMM but that said, my earlier freakout was SLIGHTLY calmed. I basically tried to just block everything out by sitting in my room and watching Rick Santorum videos on YouTube just to channel my emotions into a different negative thing (hardy har har!) But it really did help take my mind off it to see that there are larger problems in this world: fucking douchebags like him.
But once I’d had my fill of that I noticed that my roommates had retired to their beds and obviously I made a beeline for the bathroom. By that point I had waited too long anyway though so it was a pretty hellish ordeal, and I just felt like it was a useless waste. I just felt like the damage had been done, the fat, and the calories, and the sick feeling over what I’d done could no longer be remedied. I had waited too long.
I still went ahead  and purged a little bit, barely anything if I’m quite honest, just to see if I could ease my bloatedness and maybe feel a fraction better PSYCHOLOGICALLY. But it didn’t help to be honest. Psychologically, only like 1/999 bit better.

The weekend is always a trap for me, too. It’s when I keep tripping up constantly for 2 days (sometimes longer) or on occasion, like last weekend I just full on fall into a pit of SHIT and eat horrendously, maybe purge too - but all in all, weekends are nightmares in terms of my food issues. Maybe tonight’s binge, and all the behaviours I’ve been exhibiting all week will be enough to “scare me straight” so to speak, and force me to treat my body better. First thing on the agenda would be to buy groceries so I don’t resort to buying bullshit binge food late at night at the corner shop all because I’ve had nothing in the kitchen.

I despise myself on nights like this.

I haven’t written or ranted in a while partly because A) I was doing well for a few days, but didn’t want to celebrate my victory too soon, and B) Rightly so, because after a few days of doing well, OF COURSE I had to fail yet again.

What helped me initially is going back to an old habit that used to keep me on track: a type of food journalling. I used to keep a tiny little notebook (so small you can put it in your pocket) where I would plan out meals weeks in advance. This would normally help with keeping me binge-free for days on end. I mean, sure, I would eat extra things on some days, and even binge every once in a while, causing me to re-start the day I ruined, but over all it worked much better than leaving me to my own devices, and trying to “wing it” like a normal person. So I started this again a while ago, and it was working, until my urges to binge got the best of me. Strangely enough, I haven’t really felt the compulsion to purge lately…which I feel good AND bad about all at once. It’s strange because I’ve actually had quite a bit of time alone in the apartment lately, which happens rarely, and when it does, makes me more likely to purge, yet….hmmm…

I’m just going to keep going with my journal, because it DOES help…I’m just being weak and stubborn and I have to stop. This will keep me eating, but not bingeing, and not purging. It will work if I let it.

Just b/p on that shit. I am such a champ #hahaNOT #h8myself

Also, potential TMI moment, the mixture of alcohol & chocolate does not a pleasant taste make on its way out. That alone is discouraging and enough to make me disgusted with myself.

I need to stop this.

Day 2 of following my self-made meal plan without any hiccups (aka BINGES/PURGES).

I mean yeah, I did just eat a bunch of green olives, a sweet potato and some grapes at midnight, BUT I missed dinner time, and it was on the plan. So who cares? At least I didn’t sneak off to the drug store to get unhealthy snacks to stuff myself with instead of actually eating what would have been dinner a few hours ago. Not too shabby!

I just b/p on baby carrots and dip. Seriously. Who does that? How ridiculous.

But I am serious when I say it was a BINGE…I mean, I don’t use that term lightly.

I had planned to have some carrots and hummus, but I bought this greek yogurt dip instead which was really nice, but super rich and heavy and … umm … I ate the whole container along with half the bag of carrots. I felt so full and gross, I had to purge. I felt ridiculous doing it, but also like I was doing the right thing. It wasn’t even about the calories, it was more about the feeling, and redeeming the act of bingeing which I’ve been trying so hard not to do. The container of dip amounted to 400 calories which I could normally ‘deal’ with, but the fact that I had binged somehow needed to be compensated for.

I need to get a grip.

One of those alldaybingeday times. I did binge all day, but didn’t purge at all. So I feel awful physically, as well as mentally. I would have felt pretty bad mentally if I had purged„ but to be honest it sometimes acts as more of a release for me.

I’m just really down from it all.

And I have absolutely no fucking desire to go the healthy route and even attempt to eat good, balanced meals tomorrow, or come up with a new meal plan for the next few days. I hate to say it but all I want to do is starve. But it’s easy to say that on a full stomach. Now that the uncontrollable binge has been triggered it’s hard to know when I’ll be able to stop. I just weighed myself post-binge to scare myself. I almost broke down in tears. Why am I victim to this bullshit? Why can’t I be NORMAL?

OH MY FUCKING GOD IF I SEE YOU BIDDIES MISUSE THE WORD “BINGE” ONE MORE FUCKING TIME I’M GOING TO FUCKING LOSE IT.

This “point” you’ve reached is not a point in time where all of a sudden the word “binge” spontaneously changes its meaning in the dictionary! The “point” you’ve reached is called ANOREXIA. The point you’ve reached is purely feeling guilt over food consumption of any kind. The point you’ve reached is feeling like a failure for not giving in to restrictive behaviours.

A bowl of cereal is not a fucking binge.

You want to talk binges? I can talk to you about binges. Try me.

(Source: confessionsabouteatingdisorders)

I’m not doing well.