Not Otherwise Specified

of restriction, “normal” eating, regret over “normal” eating, a CLOSE approach to binge-mode, then restriction again. And after all that bother I’ve hit a pretty standard level of calorie consumption for the day. I imagine less than 1500, but definitely more than 1000. I don’t know exactly because for my one proper meal of the day (when I was going through my “normal” stage) I ordered food at work, since my boss paid for it. It was organic vegan health-food but I have no clue how much it was in terms of calorie content.

Why do I have to go through so much mental turmoil just to end up hitting a standard calorie intake????

I had one brief episode where I almost binged, and I ate a couple things which were unhealthy & ended up being slightly higher in calories, but it did not extend into a full-on binge. There were also a couple times when I ate more at a meal than I should have, but keeping in mind “normal people” standards, I did fine.
And, admittedly, the past couple of days I’ve been having mild restrictive behaviours, but mild is the key term here.

The good news is that I’m on a roll!

I also stopped myself from an impending binge tonight! Such success! I am incredibly proud of myself…all I had to do was make a DECISION in my head NOT to do this to myself, and not to throw away all my hard work. I changed into some PJs, grabbed something to satisfy my sweet tooth (a can of Diet Dr. Pepper, which I didn’t even finish WTF WTF WTF), and lay down on my bed to distract myself on YouTube.

Things are looking up.

Started eating last night’s binge food first thing today….I am determined not to let this ruin everything. All I can do now is to THROW AWAY what is left, eat healthily (NOT RESTRICT or adopt the “fuck it” mentality & keep bingeing), go to the gym and just ride it out. I can do that. It is SO HARD to keep eating normally/healthily now instead of restricting or continuing to binge but I need to try and do it.

I AM GNA GET OVER U, EDNOS! LOL IN YR FACE

We hugged and he gave me a kiss on the cheek. And that was about it. And as much as I hated him / should hate him (he did some awful things, and not just to ME) I haven’t stopped thinking about him for almost 3 years. I don’t know why. Seriously…I haven’t gone more than probably a maximum of 3 days without thinking about him. And every time I feel like I want to shrink to nothing, I think that once I do, and I see him again, he will notice me more than usual - it will be more than an exchange of pleasantries. But I don’t want him BACK. At least not really. OH I GUESS I SHOULD MENTION that I was in crazy restrictive mode when I met him and while we were together.

I don’t know what I’m talking about here, but I just wanted to spill, because this has always confused me. I was never in love with him. If there was ever anyone I was in love with, it was the guy before him, yet I don’t think about him NEARLY as often. Not even close. But then again that’s probably because we are no longer in the same city, never see each other, and don’t really have any mutual friends.

Anyway, I think this is probably all about wanting to be appreciated by those who gave up on me.